But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
