can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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