I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
