Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
