I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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