do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
