I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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