he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
