go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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