I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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