When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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