And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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