I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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