I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
