Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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