I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
