God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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