my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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