I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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