i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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