he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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