Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
