My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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