i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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