I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
