we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
When are your genitals available?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
