don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
