she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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