so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
we made out on top of his cat.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
