my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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