What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She even gives head with a lisp.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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