I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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