i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm too high and old for this...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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