All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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