I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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