I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
