Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
