70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
