Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Randomize
