Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
