I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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