God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
