Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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