mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
