My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
