'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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