Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
