After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
