someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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