Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
